Category: By Madame Zolonga

Letter from the Editor: Mercury Retrograde is No Excuse for D–k Twittery

Editor’s Note: excerpted below is Madame Zolonga’s “Letter from the Editor” that appears on page six of Hexagon #2. -Matt

Hello, my avaricious astrology aficionados. Welcome to the second issue of Hexagon! This quarter we’ve brought you even more hot planetary interps to keep your mind ablaze with cosmic wonder. From the investigative to the irreverent, it’s here.

No doubt you’ve noticed we’re dropping Issue #2 in the midst of a Mercury Retrograde cycle in Capricorn. These things happen. Planets keep moving and so do we. I have a personal motto about this:

NO PLANET SHAMING
NO PLANET BLAMING

So while I do, of course, recognize the Mercury Retrograde phenomenon, I will NEVER endorse, engage, excuse, or support the kind of dick-twittery that’s beginning to go along Mercury Rx. For some, the Merc Rx has become the planetary drug of enabling bad behavior. The excuses are appalling:

• Lost your Ventra card for the El? So you left your date sitting alone at the bar for two hours.

• Lost your cell phone? And you couldn’t call her that night.

• Lost half your contact list? It won’t appear until after Mercury goes direct (conveniently).

• Didn’t get your message, dude. [shrug] Must be Mercury Retrograde.

• Forgot condoms? Don’t worry, babe, sperm swim downstream during Mercury Retrograde.

• My hairdresser f*#@^** ruined my hair! It’s Mercury Retrograde.

• No one understands me! It must be Mercury Retrograde.

• All my ex’s are after me! Yes, you’re doubly hot during Mercury Retrograde.

• Wear neon. Wear patchouli. Wear plaid puce underwear. It’s Mercury Retrograde that made you do it.

• Refuse to book your honeymoon, dental appointments, waxing, oil changes, or new belly dancing class.

Because, you know…

Here’s the real deal.

Mercury Retrograde is not anyone’s Instant Jackass Voucher. If you’re shady and unreliable the rest of the year, no one’s going to believe your excuses when Mercury’s retrograde, either. Consider this: Mercury Rx is more likely to REVEAL your shenanigans than conceal it. That’s strong encouragement to clean up your act.

Life doesn’t stop during Mercury Retrograde. Merc Rx lore emphasizes not signing big contracts, leases, or deals. Why? Because astrologers have a track record of seeing that agreements made during Merc Rx don’t hold up. There’s likely to be something in the details you didn’t see when you signed. Okay. So you’ve got astrology and you’ve been forewarned. Use it—don’t fear it!

Get a second opinion. Have a second lawyer review that contract. Write in exclusion options, or exit/termination clauses.

Anticipate changing conditions and make legal room for them. If the other party won’t budge now, they may not budge later, either. (Dick-twittery exposed!) If so then maybe you should hold off for a better time, or a better deal. (See? Merc Rx can be your friend, too.)

Unless you’re bound in the legal equivalent of iron manacles, you can change your mind in a couple of weeks. Humans do that. Waiting works, too. You CAN wait a couple of weeks before signing that gym contract, and your hair CAN wait if you won’t risk a new colorist. Life moves on, and so will you. Practical tip: Save your receipts.

Learn patience. This is nice way of saying “Get over yourself.” If Mercury Retrograde really warps our perception of time for a few days, then cool! Work it! Other people make mistakes. You do, too.

If you obsess over all that can go wrong during Mercury Rx, you’ll miss every chance to learn what can go right. Lost luggage? Did you throw a temper tantrum in the passenger service office? Or did you recognize the humanity of the people working there? Were your words confrontational or collaborative? You know, the kids ARE watching. You did know that, right? Inconveniences aren’t you specifically aimed at YOU. But you know that already because someone taught you right, or you’re bright enough to study things like astrology.

The current Mercury Retrograde in Capricorn has a high potential for getting your act together. No fancy stuff. Step back and fix the fundamentals in your life. Bone, teeth, and any structural framework: get the gears, buttons, and links aligned. You can imagine how un-boring the basics are when they crash because you’ve rushed your site design or failed to reinforce a beam. Go slow to grow, now through February 14.

Remember: NO Planet Shaming. NO Planet Blaming. Mercury doesn’t give a flip about your character, but the people who love you do.

Happy reading,

Madame Zolonga
Associate Editor, Hexagon
mzospeaks@gmail.com

Final week to pre-order your copy of Hexagon #2:

Hexagon #1 and Hexagon #2
Hexagon #1 and Hexagon #2

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